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Yeeaaaaaahhhhh! This oughtta do it!


From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

“Gargoyles are said to scare off and protect from any evil or harmful spirits,…”

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gargoyle

I’m gonna order this gargoyle statue with the light-up eyes from Target, the “No Soliciting” sign from Amazon, and put my new pet with that sign around it’s neck on the stairs leading up to my apartment. At least now, when I get door-to-door salesmen, schoolchildren, or religious folks at my door, I will have something more interesting to say than “Go Away”, now I can say “You know, gargoyles feed upon the flesh of living human beings…”, then I will look at them, look down at the gargoyle on the stairs, look at them again, look at the gargoyle, then shout “Look Out!!!!!”, point to the air behind them, and shut my door.

I think I’ll name my Gargoyle Josh. He’ll have to be an outside pet so he doesn’t get into fights with the inside pet, Mao Tse-tung.

July 3, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

It’s all fun and games until someone gets punched in the face in the middle of downtown SD…

All of our preachy blowhard D-List celebrities and MTV commercial makers are probably right; it’s time to stop using the term “retarded” as a derogatory term. It really sounds funny when you say it out loud, unless you call someone that name who is in fact mentally retarded, then it’s just sad and cruel (no, I was not stupid enough to do this- I’m just saying it could happen). It will be difficult to say good bye, I so enjoyed saying it with a Boston accent: “that’s just retodded”, or “you’re a retodded morraan” for example. Alas, I only feel guilty now when I say it, so I need to come up with some other words that can be used in place of the retarded word.

I especially like the terms “imbecilic” and “half-witted”, or two can be combined to form a lovely nickname for someone: “you cockeyed fool”, or one might ask a person “and what sort of pea-brained plan have you hatched this time, lamebrain?” or “are you brain dead?”. I rather like the term “batty”, it reminds me of “The Count”. My favorite terms are usually “ass hat” and either “cocktard” or “fucktard”, which I obviously can’t use any longer, except for “ass hat”, which I can now combine with “asinine” to form “ass-hat-inine”, which I think sounds better than “ass-hatty”. If I want to get all Shakespearean and shit, I can break out the “you are daft indeed, Sir!”, or “I believe that to be rather ill-advised”, although then I would need to buy a glove (just one glove will do, in fact I’m sure I can find that at Ross, since they never seem to have a complete pair of anything in stock) so I can slap someone in the face with my glove. It would need to be a real glove though, not the silky Cinderella kind, which would be too pimp-ish for my taste (another misinformed pop-culture phenomenon- the glamorization of pimps is another thing I am trying to combat, but that’s an entirely different blog altogether). If I, for whatever reason, feel I might enjoy being arrested, I may pull a Betty White and refer to the next police officer who pulls me over as “Officer Fuckmeat”.

All I’m sayin’ is that there’s a world of words out there to use for teasing and putting others down. We don’t need to just use one all of the time. Let’s add a little variety and spice to our name-calling, yes?

And no, it was not me who got punched in the face for calling someone retarded- nor was I the one doing the punching.

July 3, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Why do people keep sending me pictures of naked chipmunks in hats?

Does it remind them of me, or…WTF?

June 19, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I hate being a textbook something

Generation Y, also known as the Millennial Generation (or Millennials),[1][2] describes the demographic cohort following Generation X. As there are no precise dates for when the Millennial generation starts and ends, commentators have used birth dates ranging somewhere from the mid-1970sto the early 2000s.

Characteristics of the generation vary by region, depending on social and economic conditions. However, it is generally marked by an increased use and familiarity with communications, media, and digital technologies. In most parts of the world its upbringing was marked by an increase in a neoliberal approach to politics and economics.

This generation is also sometimes referred to as the Peter Pan Generation, because of the members’ perceived penchant for delaying some rites of passage into adulthood, longer periods than most generations before them. Questions regarding a clear definition of what it means to be an adult also impacts a debate about delayed transitions into adulthood. For instance, one study by professors at Brigham Young University found that college students are more likely now to define “adult” based on certain personal abilities and characteristics rather than more traditional “rite of passage” events.[58] Dr. Larry Nelson also noted that some Millennials are delaying the transition from childhood to adulthood as a response to mistakes made by their parents. “In prior generations, you get married and you start a career and you do that immediately. What young people today are seeing is that approach has led to divorces, to people unhappy with their careers … The majority want to get married […] they just want to do it right the first time, the same thing with their careers.”[58]

In their 2007 book, authors Junco and Mastrodicasa expanded on the work of Howe and Strauss to include research-based information about the personality profiles of Millennials, especially as it relates to higher education. They conducted a large-sample (7,705) research study of college students. They found that Next Generation college students, born between 1980–2003, were frequently in touch with their parents and they used technology at higher rates than people from other generations. In their survey, they found that 97% of these students owned a computer, 94% owned a cell phone, and 56% owned a MP3 player. They also found that students spoke with their parents an average of 1.5 times a day about a wide range of topics. Other findings in the Junco and Mastrodicasa survey revealed 76% of students used instant messaging, 92% of those reported multitasking while IMing, 40% of them used television to get most of their news, with 15% watched The Daily Show and 5% The Colbert Report, and 34% of students surveyed used the Internet.[64][65]

June 18, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Someone felt tipsy…

So I woke up Saturday evening-ish with a massive hangover, a sore wrist from bowling, cuts and bruises all over my body (presumably from the 3 am wrestling matches), and a missing car. Later, while cleaning up my apartment, I discovered several dollar bills hidden amongst the rubble in my kitchen, as if someone had staged an Easter egg hunt for strippers. I found money in my oven:

…in my fruit bowl:

…in my refrigerator:

…in a (NOT EMPTY) beer bottle:

…two TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS just chillin’ on the counter (those are both mine now, by the way):

…as well as a dollar bill for each microwave, one in my coffee maker, and one in the cupboard on top of my plates. It was like getting tipped for cleaning up my own kitchen…

June 5, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

A job without Douche is a wonderful job indeed

Yaaay! My first day at my new job! The other kids were nice to me, the boss bought us all lunch, and my ears pricked up like a cat when I heard the words “happy hour”. Best of all, I’m making the same amount of money, just dealing with much less Office Douche. No Office Douche, in fact. And I am actually doing something remotely related to Graphic Design now: magazine publishing. My client gave me a bunch of extra work (which I am slacking on because I’m working again), I love my fully Tara-decorated apartment and my new “gently used” MacBook Pro. Now if only my kitchen faucet would pour Pinot Grigio instead of tap water, my life would be perfect.

May 25, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Alright so this is how it went down y’all

After complaining about the Office Douche several times to my supervisor and the HR manager and getting nowhere, I went in to the owner’s office and complained to him. Obviously, this was the beginning of the end- I knew that, but something needed to change, dammit. That place had become the seventh circle of hell; every minute was just pure misery. I told him it was hard for us to concentrate and our productivity level was being adversely affected (putting it in terms management could understand). I then asked if the graphics department could be relocated to the empty room that no one is using next door. He rattled off some bullshit about how the company was being fined $44,000 in an effort to dismiss me and told me to give him a week to come up with a solution. Yeah, maybe you shouldn’t be doing illegal shit, HC- like the time you asked me to scan in and alter an official document about the inspection of some materials you were bringing in to the U.S. from China. But anyway, for the next almost-week I could tell something was up. I kept getting dirty looks from the owner’s wife (different from the usual scrunchy-nose scowl she gives when she is highly annoyed by something, the “did you just fart?” look). And when I was in the hallway getting my lunch one day and HC passed by, I got a wave with no actual hand movement and no “hello”, it was basically him putting his hand up in front of his face like we were in some lame sitcom from the 90’s: “talk to the hand girlfriend, because the face ain’t listening!”.

I knew he wasn’t going to do shit about Douche, and I would be seen as the bad guy for going over my supervisor’s head and making a petty complaint about a loud and abrasive salesman, so I scheduled a job interview after work, and was touching up my portfolio when a couple managers walked by and figured out I was working on something non-work related. Obviously, I wasn’t going to be like “oh I’m just working on my portfolio and resume for no real reason- just for fun”, so I told them that I was just answering a question for one of my clients about her business card design. Yes I have outside clients, I need to because I can’t pay all of my bills with what you pay me alone. So I was suspended without pay for 3 days. I knew that once they saw the portfolio and resume on my screen (as I wasn’t allowed to quit out of any of my programs before leaving), they would realize it was more than just answering my client’s e-mail, and there was a pretty good chance they would fire me and then claim gross misconduct (ie. “stealing from the company”). In that case, I would get neither vacation time paid out to me or unemployment, so that was not a risk I was willing to take. Best case scenario, they would not have fired me and I would have come back to work on Wednesday. What would it be like then? What’s worse than the seventh circle of hell? Everything that I did would have been monitored and scrutinized. I would have rather gauged my eyes out with one of our crappy pens that doesn’t write (finally, a All-In-One product actually does something useful).

So with a big smile and a skip in my step, I handed my resignation letter to Angelica at the front desk and asked her to please pass it along to Andy or Stephanie or Teddy, “don’t really care, just whoever you see first”. Angelica asked me if I got a way cooler job, and I said “nope, but anything’s better than this”.

Before that, I found out that another graphics person also quit. Hmmm, four people quit in one month? Does that seem like a huge fucking hint to anyone?

May 18, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

OK I find this very disturbing

The part I am most concerned with is that I was told each kitten represents a different co-worker (apparently I am the momma cat).

May 6, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Finding a cheap, not butt-ugly sofa

Apparently I would have better luck finding a unicorn frolicking atop a rainbow in Atlantis.

April 23, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment


…at the El Pollo Loco around the corner- it will probably be my first meal in my new apartment in fabulous Escondildo.

March 27, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment


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